It’s a disappointment, Charlie Brown.

Me checking for followers everyday

Denchy cheeks

What do my baby and Judi Dench have in common?

Jowls!

99 problems

I’ve got 99 problems…

 

 

…and these are 2 of them.  Stick around long enough you’ll hear about the other 97 (#56-70 are just joint problems alone )

Swimming away from fists.

The late night movie is “Sleeping with the Enemy”.  I think it has always been a late night movie, I remember watching it with my mum as a kid.

Sleeping with the enemy is a 1990 movie about a meek wife (Julia Roberts with eyebrows) and her jackass of a controlling husband (some guy with a mustache) who likes to go all UFC on her much smaller frame.

The big plot point that my mum and I enjoyed was that Julia Roberts escapes her abusive marriage by faking her drowning.  Faking death has long been used to escape husbands, overbearing wives, bills etc, but in this particular case Julia chooses drowning because her husband knows she’s afraid of water and cannot swim.  Little does the mustachioed jerk know that his wife has been taking secret swim lessons at the local Y.

As a young girl I remember Mum praising the virtues of being able to swim, I had been able to swim since I was 18 months old and trained competitively. Watching Julia Roberts thrash through the stormy surf to freedom my little self thought “I can swim way better than her, I could escape with ease!”  And so I grew up somehow equating the ability to swim well with being able to flee abusive men.

I’m sure there are so many women in the world who wish that all they had to do to avoid the next blow was be to a killer at the freestyle.

Sometimes swimming is not enough.

Juice Junkie

Apple juice is awesome.  It is the greatest juice.  You judge how great a juice is by how much you can drink of it.  Sure there are lots of fancy delicious juice blends and cocktails, but you can only drink so much of them.  Apple juice I can drink by the gallon.  I love apple juice so much I will feign injury and illness to prolong hospital stays in order to get free apple juice.

APPLE JUICE!

Red Sonja: A review

The number one movie the year I was born was “Back to the future”.  Waaaaaay on the other end of the scale in the same year came a film called “Red Sonja” a sorcery/action movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and a pre-Celebrity Rehab Brigitte Nielsen.

The bestest movies have romance novel cover posters!

The movie begins with the narrator telling us about an evil queen (I forget her name but it’s really not important) stomping into some podunk medieval village, spotting Sonja’s mullet and deciding “hey, she’d make a great lesbian pet” but Red Sonja, despite her telltale mullet, wasn’t having any of it and scarred up Evil Queen’s face.  Being Evil, the queen had her soldiers violate Sonja, kill everyone and burn the little podunk village.  Some glowing ghost takes pity, visits Sonja and gives her redhead rage revenge magic and we’re off and running.

Does the carpet match the drapes?  Yes, because they’re both on her head.

Next we jump to a priestess cult/hot lesbians in sheets/monastery of  swimsuit models who guard a glowing green ball that can destroy everything.  The order of babes decide to throw the glowing ball away, down their toilet/magic portal (it’s a stone hole, so it’s probably both) .  But you can’t have all those hot virgins in chainmail mini dresses crammed in a castle and NOT expect to attract Evil Queens.  Queen Gedren (that’s her name, I just looked it up) caught a wiff of all the estrogen and candle smoke and saddled up. Gedren appears on the scene in her best death metal finery and a custom mask to cover the scar from Sonja’s sharp pointy “hell no!”  Gedren could have just restyled her german s&m mistress bowlcut to cover the scar, but instead she apparently phoned up Jean Paul Gaultier and said “make me a Kane mask and make it SHINY”

Gedren has her man army slaughter all the babes and has her attractive female consort touch the glowing ball after it eats a soldier, TA DA, only women can touch it!!  Evil Queen orders the remaining hotties thrown down the magic toilet hole and the glowing ball stolen.  A single priestess escapes out a hand dandy secret cave door and runs away but is followed and blah blah blah, anyways, she’s shot with a retarded amount of arrows and Arnie shows up on his horsie just in time to catch her.  She tells Arnie to find Sonja and Arnie, using his conan GPS gallops off.

Arnie finds Sonja doing weapons training with Elderly Asian Padme Amidala .

Red Sonja hesitates because she needs to make it very clear she trusts no man, and no man can have her (because I’m sure at 6 feet tall with a mullet she’s just fending them off) but when he says her sister is full of arrows and passed out under a tree, she agrees to go, but on her own horse.

Her sister (I don’t remember her name, so we’ll call her Bjork) explains the glowing ball and Queen Kane and promptly dies, Red Sonja can’t cry because she’s dead inside and refusing Arnie’s help, gallops off.

“what?  You like my crown?  I made it myself during lesbian priestess craft hour.  I have a matching belt!”

There’s some battle with a fat bearded guy that wants Red Sonja to blow him to get through his gate. Sonja promptly tells him he smells and stabs him and kills half his henchmen  and Arnie appears, and kills the other half.  They run into some asian kid who is a prince and has a loyal servant lumbering around spoiling him after Gedren used her stolen volleyball to flatten his kingdom.  So comic relief, battle, long walking scenes, midget prince gets a hard on for Red Sonja, she doesn’t kill him for it etc.

“See, the bigger your sword, the more women know you’re overcompensating!”

There’s a bridge made of animal bones, everyone has to climb a stone wall to get to Gedren, there was something about a wizard that can teleport evil queens.  Oh, and Queen Gedren has a pet spider the size of my boston terrier.  Thanks to the phenomenal special effects, the spider vibrates when petted.

Half squat is as useful as you think he is…

The basketball of doom gains power from light, so Gedren decides to steal all the candles from every catholic church scene in every movie and uses them to line the room where she keeps her glowing stolen things.

Gedren later took her kryptonite and went to work for Zod

Gedren dies exactly how you think she will…

*poke*

…Red Sonja makes the announcement that the only man that can “have” her is one who defeats her in battle…

Pictured: foreplay

After an exhausting sword fight, which I do have to say was believable, Sonja gets over her former trauma and smooches Arnie’s fleshy Austrian face and I assume they both go on to produce an army of extremely muscular Aryan children.

“Doesn’t my mullet just blow your mind?”

 

As you can tell from the minute detail I went into, I love this movie.  Brigitte is a stunning woman and athletic, she has screen presence and outshines Arnie easily.  The story is entertaining and the visuals are cheeserific.  I watched it twice before my husband decided to delete it off the PVR.

Despite the fact that Arnold himself has said that he used to make his kids watch “Red Sonja” as punishment and Maria Shriver told Arnold at the premiere that the film would be the end of his career, I strongly recommend it.

5 poutines out of 5

 

 

Evils of Zumba

Zumba and Raves…what’s the difference?  The women all have long unkempt hair whipping around and sticking to their sweaty, ecstasy filled bodies covered in neon spandex.  I never trusted zumba, you  stick a bunch of women in a room with latin beats and they get all sex crazed…it’s science.  It’s the Latina secret!  You start with zumba and soon you are drawing on chola eyebrows and wearing hula hoops as earrings

zumba: just don’t do it!

It turns out my fears were well founded, in the depraved sincity of  Kennebunk, Maine a Zumba instructor is in trouble with the law for turning her fitness studio in a den of prostitution.  Alexis Wright is charged with having a ridiculously high sex drive and not doing a very good job of hiding tapesand photos  she made of her 106 clients, which is probably the entire male population over 21 in Kennebunk.  The news story doesn’t mention how zumba turned a mild mannered 29 year old fitness instructor into a sex fiend and poor businesswoman, but it does go to show the dangers of giving women self confidence.

Look at my abs!  I bet I could charge chinese businessmen to eat sushi off my naked body!

Stick to the aquafit ladies.

Evolution of the Beast

The year is 1987, the world is introduced to Prozac, Alf is still relevant, my brother is born and a new tv show debuts: Beauty and the Beast.

Beauty and the Beast was one of those great tv shows that could only exist in the 80’s; with Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman making out in the sewer and presumably going through many cans of hairspray, the series was a departure from the ordinary.

Most importantly…the beast, LOOKED like a beast.

Beauty and the Beast ended its run in 1990 and the following year Disney picked up the story…

up to this point we’re still dealing with a primal looking male lead, but then things start to go wrong…

Last year a teeny-bop film nobody watched came out called “Beastly”

As you can see, the “beast” in this modern retelling looks more like a bond villian/extra from a Lady Gaga video than a beast.  It’s a classic case of taking a good looking guy and slapping some crap on him to demonstrate (poorly) a moral point to the audience.  Do the koran eyebrows, toe ring nose and sketchbook doodles really make him repulsive?  No.  Also Vanessa Hudgens is pretty much 14 years old, her “loving” this dude is the equivalent of running away from home with a biker gang “omg, like, that blackberry bramble tattoo is so hardcore, do you have a driver’s license?”

Which brings us to the inevitable conclusion, CW’s revamp of the Beauty and the Beast tv series, only this time the Beast is a 9/11 survivor injected with some sort of super serum (for reals y’all)  and is SO HIDEOUS THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL AT LAST LEARN THE MEANING OF TRUE LOVE! But not actually, it’s just another pretty boy with a nasty scratch on his face, ooh, scar!  Apparently in the year 2012 learning to not judge books by their cover means swallowing our female pride and looking beyond street hockey booboos.  Next year’s beast will be a broody underwear model horribly disfigured by an eyebrow waxing incident (the brows aren’t even!  How can I have sex with the lights on??) We’re so, so deep.

Like I said, a series that could only exist in the ’80s.

Keep it Classy

Things I’ve learned from movies

# 73: Leaving your earrings on during any sexual indiscretion cancels out the slutty.

“Accessories make you a lady!”

The Bond Brouhaha

It is the argument that has caused more divorces throughout history than the phrase “I have a surprise to tell you, on Maury.”  That debate that divides, the fight that furrows the brow, the battle that breaks friendships…

“Who is the greatest James Bond?”

A great part of insomnia is watching movies that the higher channels play in the early hours of the morning after normal people programming has ended.  And so it is that I am watching the third Bond film (The World is Not Enough) in a Bond marathon at 5:30 in the morning and pondering THE question.  The correct answer that I am meant to say is of course Sean Connery, but (and I know I take my own life into my hands saying this) I don’t agree.

There are two ways to gauge a Bond, the man way and the woman way.  The man way asks “Which Bond do I want to be?” and the woman way asks “Which Bond do I want to do?” As a woman I’m inclined to argue based on the latter point.  Of course men want to BE Sean Connery, he was a man of the 1960’s. dashing, suave, sexually free , covered in hair and had a ridiculous accent.  It’s the same reason guys want to be Captain Kirk and not Picard.  But to me, Connery is too much the playboy, women are sport, and that is the turn off, besides the whiskey breath and orange glow.

I believe Roger Moore over shot his tenure as Bond, maybe he was the same age as the other Bonds when he was cast and was just born old but his Bond had all the excitement of a really nice substitute teacher that lets you end the school day early so you’ll like him as a person.  The photos of Moore flexing and holding his 007 gun looked like he is trying not to let his tennis elbow flare up. Roger Moore as Bond is your Dad trying to join your online Battlefield 3 game.

I like Timothy Dalton a lot…as a villain.  Timothy Dalton is such an excellent villain (see: The Rocketeer, Shaun of the Dead) that he is an impossible James Bond.

Daniel Craig for starters, is an inappropriate Bond because he is blonde.  He is short on charm and heavy on the ice.  Plus, Daniel Craig’s face is the man equivalent of Renee Zellweger’s, he just stands around squinting and lacking a personality.  We get it, you weren’t hugged enough as a child and have all sorts of sexy baggage.  It boggles my mind he beat out Clive Owen for the part.

Which brings us to…Pierce Brosnan. Oh I know, I’ve heard all the arguments, he’s old…irish…etc.  But he’s a gentleman!  And he’s smart, and shows remorse.  You can tell he carries all the women he’s loved with him, in his heart.  He’s also fallible which endears him to the lady viewers.  And he doesn’t hunt women, or even seduce them, they just can’t help it, and neither can Pierce.  And he has great hair, and he’s very distinguished.  You can tell Judi Dench thinks he’s the bee knees and I’m pretty sure she likes women.  Poor Judi, having to sit through Casino Royale and Quantum of whatever the heck, wish someone would put cyanide in Daniel Craig’s martini or blow him up with a deck of cards.

Also, Brosnan is a chubby chaser, so he wins.  Game, set, match.

Has this been a long, rambling, poorly written post with very little humour that was much more clever and witty in my head?   Yes, but one needs to plump up their blog and sometimes that includes jumbled up babble (I’m really at my best before 3 am)