Evolution of the Beast

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The year is 1987, the world is introduced to Prozac, Alf is still relevant, my brother is born and a new tv show debuts: Beauty and the Beast.

Beauty and the Beast was one of those great tv shows that could only exist in the 80’s; with Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman making out in the sewer and presumably going through many cans of hairspray, the series was a departure from the ordinary.

Most importantly…the beast, LOOKED like a beast.

Beauty and the Beast ended its run in 1990 and the following year Disney picked up the story…

up to this point we’re still dealing with a primal looking male lead, but then things start to go wrong…

Last year a teeny-bop film nobody watched came out called “Beastly”

As you can see, the “beast” in this modern retelling looks more like a bond villian/extra from a Lady Gaga video than a beast.  It’s a classic case of taking a good looking guy and slapping some crap on him to demonstrate (poorly) a moral point to the audience.  Do the koran eyebrows, toe ring nose and sketchbook doodles really make him repulsive?  No.  Also Vanessa Hudgens is pretty much 14 years old, her “loving” this dude is the equivalent of running away from home with a biker gang “omg, like, that blackberry bramble tattoo is so hardcore, do you have a driver’s license?”

Which brings us to the inevitable conclusion, CW’s revamp of the Beauty and the Beast tv series, only this time the Beast is a 9/11 survivor injected with some sort of super serum (for reals y’all)  and is SO HIDEOUS THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL AT LAST LEARN THE MEANING OF TRUE LOVE! But not actually, it’s just another pretty boy with a nasty scratch on his face, ooh, scar!  Apparently in the year 2012 learning to not judge books by their cover means swallowing our female pride and looking beyond street hockey booboos.  Next year’s beast will be a broody underwear model horribly disfigured by an eyebrow waxing incident (the brows aren’t even!  How can I have sex with the lights on??) We’re so, so deep.

Like I said, a series that could only exist in the ’80s.

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