Author Archives: deepercreed

Sleepless Slander:Thigh High Edition

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As per usual, I haven’t been sleeping at all at night, which is always good news for blogees (thats the correct term right? People who read blogs are blogees? THEY ARE NOW) While I toss and turn at 4am and curse the idiot who installed vertical blinds on the sliding glass door in my bedroom and curse the OTHER idiot who put a street light in my front yard, my brain fills up with oddities.

Your oddity for today is a real toughie (indeed I spent 2 hours pondering it). WOULD YOU RATHER….

have Tina Turner’s legs or Rupaul’s gams?

STEMS

I personally chose Rupaul. He also has the best shoes.

 

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The Newest Sanity Project

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Lots of bloggers take 3 years off right?  It’s how they stay “mysterious” and “edgy”!

I started Sleepless Slander as sanity project during a time of extreme no-sleep and had to abandon it when I started losing my vision

****WARNING PITY PARTY DOWNER ALERT****

I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension (I know right? WTF is that??) not long after I started this blog. Long WEBMD page short, your brain doesn’t know how to shut off the switch that regulates or produces the cerebrospinal fluid in your brain. So your cranium just fills up with fluid and crushes your brain and optic nerves!

schwarzenegger-in-total-recall1

 

 

 

 

So yes, basically it makes you feel like Arnie in Total Recall with Mars eyeballs. But I medicated that shizz and now here I am, eyeballs, and vision fine.

****END OF EXPLANATORY SOB STORY****

But lucky for all of you, I still don’t sleep much and I’m not very sane, so expect to see lots more of me ! Also thanks to my NEW LAPTOP that doesn’t choke and die simply from booting up, I can write a post without risking burning the house down!!

Soggy Bog Brainparts

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If I’ve been noticeably absent as of late, it is because sleep (and sleeplessness) moves in cycles, like the seasons, or your period.  And like the period, most of the cycle friggin’ sucks.  Although the rubbish patch that is my brain has continued to produce all the yarns and nuggets my dear fans love to read, my limbs have the strength of sushi-grade squid and my eyes are as foggy as New York on a summer day.  I’ve started to look like this,

 

 

 

 

 

…Which is bad because 1.) I don’t ingest heroin and cocaine like movie popcorn 2.) I am currently living and 3.) I haven’t recently performed oral sex on 6 tubes of revlon lipstick, although I recently acquired a leopard print coat…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insomnia is a slippery slope.  Hopefully I will be back on the TOTALLY AWESOME DUUUDE part of the sleepless cycle soon.  Until then, if you see a fat slob passed out in some alley wearing a leopard print coat, I apologize, I was just really tired.

Sleepless Cinema

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What do you watch when you’re up all night?  There’s the obvious choices, infomercials for steam mops, the bullet, various ab fixers, old lady bras, the bowflex and that thing that electrocutes your muscles, as sold by a micro Chinese man.  We also have terrible made for tv movies with actors you sort of recognize, and the plots are always the same, someone has an affair and then someone gets killed/kidnapped/taken hostage etc.

So if you could choose the best things to watch when you have insomnia, what would they be?  I thought I would share with everyone my personal favourites.

1. Alaska State Troopers

Alaska State Troopers is a newer offering from the National Geographic channel.  The show follows troopers in the most desolate place on earth, Alaska, where it is frequently 40-50 below outside, a huge portion of the population are alcoholic and drug addicted and the suicide rate is 5 times the national average.  Is it terribly depressing? Absolutely.  Why would you watch in the middle of the night?  Maybe the cold isolation seems like a familiar mental landscape at 4 am.  Whatever it is, it’s addicting.

Aw man, we’ll never get those doritos tacos up here…this sucks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Glass blowing

When I was a kid, KCTS9 used to have these little blurbs in-between programs that would show people handcrafting objects.  I was always mesmerized by the glass blowing segments.  I remember saying to my dad, they should just sell DVD’s of glass blowing for people who can’t sleep.  Fast forward to now and we have the internet!  You can watch glass blowing to your hearts content!

Always have a friend help you blow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Underwater documentaries (preferably narrated by someone with an accent )

Again, the theme of peaceful isolation plays into this.  The best of these documentaries come from the BBC earth and life series.

and whatever this is…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Boobahs

The first time I saw Boobahs, I had to call my brother over to ask him if I was really seeing what I was seeing.  It was explained to me later that the boobahs are supposed to be atoms, rainbow coloured atoms with blinking eyebrows.  The bastard child of teletubbies and the people of whoville, boobahs was probably more enjoyed by people on ectasy than any actual children.  From the complete absence of any human speech to the psychedelic visuals and noises, boobahs is the equivalent of having your brain taken out of your skull and used in a Lisa Frank illustration.

Cerebellum, is that you?  You look different…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. The liquidation channel

There are many shopping channels but none hold a candle to the liquidation channel.  Formerly known as the jewelry channel, the “LC ” as the cool kids call it, is a company out of texas known for their various “smackdowns” (diamond smackdown, tanzanite smackdown etc) bizarre made up sounding gems, the pitching of stainless steel as “designer”, for only using one host at a time, (and having that host talk basically to him/herself for hours) and just downright hilariously bad salepitches (using the cm and inches side of their ruler to be “canadian friendly”).  my favourite host is a mystery host, he is not listed on the host page or anywhere else, but he is still on the air. The mystery host has a french name and the calming aura of my pastor crossed with Mr. Rogers.  He often tries the women’s jewelry on to model it (on his perfectly manicured hands).  The highlight of the “LC” is their “creature couture”, massive crystal encrusted animals, usually made into bracelets.  The items for sale in creature couture look like murder weapons, and indeed, I hope that’s all they’re used for.

No Grandma I love it, really.  I’ll treasure it forever…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. How it’s made

I remember being enchanted by the comforting repetition of Mr. Roger’s trip to the doughnut factory, the lines of pastries, the giant oven; my OCD fell in love.  How it’s made goes to the same place in my heart, a welcome trip to the neat and tidy step by step creation of some benign thing.  Highly recommended for the middle of the night

I would avoid the hot dog and bacon episodes though…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Microcosmos

I add Microcosmos as an honourable mention since I know not everyone enjoys the insect kingdom as I do.  But, even if you don’t, give Microcosmos a try.  Microcosmos has the viewer live one day in a small section of a french field.  Filmed over a period of years using ground breaking technology and with a lovely soundtrack, Microcosmos won many awards and causes you to take a second look at your creepy crawly friends.

Stick it in your ear-The Pretty Reckless

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In order to get to The Pretty Reckless, you have to start with Cindy Lou Who


Played in this clip from The Grinch who stole Christmas by Taylor Momsen.  Taylor was precocious and adorable in the film and not exactly vocally untalented.  Following the film Taylor went on to become a hot mess who is all growed up, much like every other little girl to come out of hollywood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and she also went on to head the band The Pretty Reckless.  Taylor was only 16 when she joined the band, which in light of the lingerie, goth getup, middle aged male back up, topless stage shows, lesbian orgies and religious iconography, makes one winder if they can be arrested just for listening.  However, unlike other child stars turned slags, Taylor has the talent to back it up, using her smoky deep voice to great advantage on hard rock tracks like “Make me wanna die”.

And a solid sound, despite the Madonna/Courtney Love last supper crashing video, in “Miss Nothing”

 

Give it a listen

Bitches on film-Halloween edition

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For this Halloween special of bitches on film, I’ve chosen a classic bitch that I first met on the silver screen in high school, Rhoda Penmark.  Rhoda is the main character of the classic book-turned play-turned-film The Bad Seed.  The 1956 film details the life of precocious school aged Rhoda, a seemingly perfect child with seemingly perfect manners, who is a secret sociopath.

Sociopath?  You don’t say…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The difference between Rhoda and other evil children in film, such as the children of the corn or The Omen, is that Rhoda plays a true sociopath and is not influenced by demons or other supernatural means.  The book, and in turn the play and film were ground breaking at the time for their exploration of genetics, hence the title “The Bad Seed”.  Is true evil something that can be passed down through the generations?  In this case from Rhoda’s biological grandmother, who is revealed to be a murderer.

Rhoda gets what Rhoda wants…and that is the basis of the film.  What happens when you get the mentality of Aileen Wuornos stuffed into a 10 year old?  Murder, and lots of it.

I’m the queen of frosted mini wheats!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a side note, FICTIONAL Rhoda on the left, REAL Aileen on the right…it’s the eyes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rhoda is mad that a classmate won the penmanship medal that she feels she rightly deserves, so the little boy ends up in the drink with a tap shoe shaped bonk on the head at the school picnic.  When Rhoda’s mother discovers the medal in Rhoda’s room, Rhoda attempts to say she won it from the dead boy in a bet, then confesses to the murder, but offers up the explanation that “she deserved the medal anyways”.

life’s a bitch mommy, and so am I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mommy dearest finally realizes she may have a problem on her hands, especially after Rhoda also tells her that the sweet, elderly neighborhood in their former building who had promised Rhoda a coveted snowglobe when she died (not a great thing to tell Ted Bundy Junior Miss), may not have accidentally fallen down the stairs.  Since in 1956, turning your 10 year old over to the police was out of the question, Mommy tells Rhoda to burn the shoes she killed the little boy with, in the incinerator.  The gardener, who has not been fooled by Rhoda’s Pollyanna routine since the start, makes a joke about her committing the murder with the shoes, and burning the shoes (pretty swell guess for someone with an obvious second grade education) and taunts Rhoda, saying he took the shoes and was going to tell.  Rhoda full bore flips out and puts those female inmates on “scared straight” to shame.

Although to be fair, the gardener looks like he has stuffed a few Rhodas down a drain in his time.

 

 

 

 

 

 
Because it IS 1956, it’s perfectly acceptable to have the hired help sleep on a pile of hay in the basement, the gardener probably works for table scraps and old reader’s digests (just for the pretty pictures).  Our pint size bitch steals matches and flambes the simple groundskeeper.  As Rhoda, her mother and the rest of the tenants watch the blaze, Mommy knows it’s time to take matters into her own hands…and do a little murder herself.  After giving Rhoda a lethal dose of sleeping pills, mommy shoots herself in the head (I KNOW RIGHT??  It’s 1956!).  But evil never dies so easily and Rhoda lives, and mum?…..

What mommy?  Kool-aid? For me?  You shouldn’t have…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mom lives. .  So while Mom is elegantly laid up in the hospital with her head bandaged in an attractive gauze turban, Rhoda sets off in the rain to the dock when she murdered her classmate.  Rhoda’s Mom had tossed the penmanship medal into the lake to cover up Rhoda’s crime, but Rhoda wants WHAT RHODA WANTS!!!  In the grand finale, Rhoda uses a long pole to try to dredge up the medal and is FRIED BY LIGHTENING!!

Does it smell like fried bitch in here to you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If it seems like a contrived ending, it’s because it is.  Because of some old timey rule called “the hays code”, in a film crime cannot be shown to pay.  By having the mother die (as she did in the book) and Rhoda surviving (as she did in the book) the censors saw it as “evil winning”, so they cooked up an ending where they cooked up the protagonist.

 

The Bad Seed was ahead of it’s time for it’s exploration of genetics, the realistic portrayal of psychotic behavior, and the fact that the source of that behavior is a child. Patty McCormick, the actress who plays Rhoda, was brilliant and was nominated for an Oscar…a great addition to our bitches on films, the youngest yet.

If you’re interested in doing some reading about a real life Rhoda, look up Mary Bell, a truly evil 10 year old.