The Bond Brouhaha


It is the argument that has caused more divorces throughout history than the phrase “I have a surprise to tell you, on Maury.”  That debate that divides, the fight that furrows the brow, the battle that breaks friendships…

“Who is the greatest James Bond?”

A great part of insomnia is watching movies that the higher channels play in the early hours of the morning after normal people programming has ended.  And so it is that I am watching the third Bond film (The World is Not Enough) in a Bond marathon at 5:30 in the morning and pondering THE question.  The correct answer that I am meant to say is of course Sean Connery, but (and I know I take my own life into my hands saying this) I don’t agree.

There are two ways to gauge a Bond, the man way and the woman way.  The man way asks “Which Bond do I want to be?” and the woman way asks “Which Bond do I want to do?” As a woman I’m inclined to argue based on the latter point.  Of course men want to BE Sean Connery, he was a man of the 1960’s. dashing, suave, sexually free , covered in hair and had a ridiculous accent.  It’s the same reason guys want to be Captain Kirk and not Picard.  But to me, Connery is too much the playboy, women are sport, and that is the turn off, besides the whiskey breath and orange glow.

I believe Roger Moore over shot his tenure as Bond, maybe he was the same age as the other Bonds when he was cast and was just born old but his Bond had all the excitement of a really nice substitute teacher that lets you end the school day early so you’ll like him as a person.  The photos of Moore flexing and holding his 007 gun looked like he is trying not to let his tennis elbow flare up. Roger Moore as Bond is your Dad trying to join your online Battlefield 3 game.

I like Timothy Dalton a lot…as a villain.  Timothy Dalton is such an excellent villain (see: The Rocketeer, Shaun of the Dead) that he is an impossible James Bond.

Daniel Craig for starters, is an inappropriate Bond because he is blonde.  He is short on charm and heavy on the ice.  Plus, Daniel Craig’s face is the man equivalent of Renee Zellweger’s, he just stands around squinting and lacking a personality.  We get it, you weren’t hugged enough as a child and have all sorts of sexy baggage.  It boggles my mind he beat out Clive Owen for the part.

Which brings us to…Pierce Brosnan. Oh I know, I’ve heard all the arguments, he’s old…irish…etc.  But he’s a gentleman!  And he’s smart, and shows remorse.  You can tell he carries all the women he’s loved with him, in his heart.  He’s also fallible which endears him to the lady viewers.  And he doesn’t hunt women, or even seduce them, they just can’t help it, and neither can Pierce.  And he has great hair, and he’s very distinguished.  You can tell Judi Dench thinks he’s the bee knees and I’m pretty sure she likes women.  Poor Judi, having to sit through Casino Royale and Quantum of whatever the heck, wish someone would put cyanide in Daniel Craig’s martini or blow him up with a deck of cards.

Also, Brosnan is a chubby chaser, so he wins.  Game, set, match.

Has this been a long, rambling, poorly written post with very little humour that was much more clever and witty in my head?   Yes, but one needs to plump up their blog and sometimes that includes jumbled up babble (I’m really at my best before 3 am)


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