Jonah Hex

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Jonah Hex is a 2010 film based on the DC comic of the same name.  It follows a cursed civil war era cowboy/soldier/bounty hunter? (I’m a girl, I don’t pay too much attention to this sort of thing) who kills the wrong guy, therefore making another guy very mad. Mad guy burns cowboy’s family in front of him, brands the poor guy’s face and leaves him for dead.  Magic indians bring the cowboy back from the brink of hell and now he can  talk to the dead.  So basically this film is civil war era Hellboy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Josh Brolin plays the deformed bounty hunter…

 

 

 

 

 
John Malkovich plays the bad guy (oh God he creeps me out so bad)…

 

 

 

 

Malkovich’s right hand man is Micheal Fassbender, who apparently wanted to look like a violin.  Some research reveals that this character is entirely invented for the film (nooo really?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And of course, in a western you need a feisty prostitute, played by feisty prostitute, Megan Fox.

 

 

 

 

 

Besides the fact I’ve seen better acting from roadkill, it’s also hard to watch Megan Fox because she wears a corset throughout the film.  Of course, lots of actresses have worn corsets for period films, nothing new about that, but most actresses don’t look like they had all their ribs and internal organs removed for the role.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To give you an apt comparison, here is Kiera Knightley, who weighs as much as a rice krispie square, in a similar corset in her newest film.

who HAS ribs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep in mind the camera adds 10 lbs, or in Megan Fox’s case, a whole person, so those on set photos looks obese compared to the actual movie.  Since the rest of the movie was pretty “Wild Wild West” without Will Smith to break up the monotony, I spent most of the time staring at Megan Fox’s waist and thinking of a Mud Dauber

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Besides mutated female leads, the movie falls completely flat.  It does everything right but  fails at every turn, Brolin seems to be playing a parody of a gristled old cowboy cliche, Malkovich phones it in (I think they just used footage from ConAir and CGIed a hat on him) Fassbender-violin neck has way too little screen time and we already talked about Megan-Botox-Jones.  Jonah Hex’s resurrection powers are well done and interesting, but underused.

Really, how could a movie tank when it has a hard rock group called Mastodon doing the score?

Gerald Butler with a satan beard??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I really only reviewed this film to make fun of Megan Fox, which I figure is as good a reason as any.

2 poutines out of 5

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Canada attempts to be naughty

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It is 3:03 in the am and I’m just slinging this post on here.  I am watching the tail end of Rub and Tug a hilarious sex romp comedy out of Toronto.  Written and directed by first timer Soo Lyu, the movie follows 3 full body massage girls and the naive desk clerk sent in by the manager to spy and make sure they’re not doing full service.  Released in 2002, the film, despite the sexual gist of it, is actually quite clean and has a small cult following online.

Rub and Tug was shot on digital video and has the look of a high school project.  It also couldn’t be anymore Canadian if the 3 girls wore Canadian flag minidresses like the sluts you see on Canada Day (it’s a FLAG, not a wardrobe choice.  And even if it was, you wouldn’t buy the transparent cheap one from the loonie store!!)  I spent more time enjoying the dated wardrobe choices than following the story, but despite the plethora (what a GREAT word that is) of pastel miniskirts, halter tops, clunky heels and hairbands (it was like Clueless, but in a massage parlour!) I can tell it is well written and has heart.

While I was poking around the net digging up info on this movie I read an interview with the director on indierag.com.  It was mostly run of the mill stuff, but the last question sounded interesting…

So what’s next for you? What’s on the horizons?

We have several projects in various stages of development. However, we are excited about “Sucktion.” It will do to vaginas what “Rub & Tug” has done to dicks. It’s a comedy of errors where things go terribly wrong when a woman tries to improve her sex life.

I can find no evidence that this was ever a movie, however I did find a website under construction called sucktionopera.com, which apparently is… the story of a woman’s cyber-erotic transformation from abject housewife into a self-sufficient cyborg in this theatrical song cycle…as it traces the radical reinvention of one woman’s persona via the subversive use of a vacuum cleaner.  Opera just ain’t what it used to be.

The director was inspired to write Rub and Tug after hearing the true stories of full body massage workers in Toronto.  Her concept was “massage girls get revenge” and it’s this angle, combined with the Taratino-esque soundtrack, that makes this a great watch. If you DO watch it, message me and let me know what I missed in the first 45 minutes.

4 poutines out of 5.

Bitches on Film-Kathleen Turner

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I didn’t designate a character for Ms. Turner because she is the QUEEN of all film bitches.  You’d have a harder time finding a movie where she was NOT a bitch. I handpicked a few samplings to demonstrate the awe inspiring bitchy point I am making.

BODY HEAT

a bitch who’s good at blowjobs, the worst kind…

In 1981’s Body Heat, Kathleen Turner plays Matty Walker who…

-Has an affair

-Seduces a lawyer into murdering her husband (and smashing through pane glass to bang her)

-Takes off with the money after her husband is dead

-tries to blow up the lawyer (with a bomb, not her mouth)

-Murders the woman who’s identity she stole.

-Leaves the lawyer to take the fall while she lives out the rest of her days on the beach

THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS

a bitch who promises but never delivers, AAAGGHH

In the 1983 Steve Martin comedy The Man with two brains Turner is Dolores Benedict who…

-is a gold digger

-caused the heart attack of her first husband

-refuses to consummate her new marriage to Steve Martin

-Is giving it to the mexican gardener (and just about anyone else with a pulse)

-Puts Steve Martin’s beloved jarred brain (Anne) in the oven, cooking her nines.

-is a slutty bitch right up until Merv Griffin murders her.

THE WAR OF THE ROSES

The bitch you marry…

In 1989, Kathleen starred as a wife who is no longer in love with her husband, Micheal Douglas.  I only saw this movie once because it is incredibly hard to watch.  When Barbara Rose (Kathleen Turner) is done with her marriage, she is DONE.  I couldn’t possibly name everything Turner does, but some of the vengeance included…

-Throwing her husband out of the house when he refuses to give her all assets

-When he insists on staying, she attempts to seduce his lawyer to get him on her side

-publicly humiliating Mr. Rose every chance she gets

-smashing and destroying most of their expensive posessions

-Ramming his vehicle with a MONSTER TRUCK

-Trapping her husband in his sauna, nearly killing him

-Bruising her husband’s kidneys by crushing him between her thighs

-serving him pate and telling him (falsely) that it is made from his dog.

-rigging the chandelier to fall on her husband

-as her dying husband reaches out to her in a final gesture, she slaps his hand away.  Hell hath no fury…

SERIAL MOM

just a plain ole’ bitch

By 1994’s Serial Mom Kathleen Turner isn’t even pretending anymore.  Throwing out the seduction ploys and murder for hire schemes, Turner plays a full bore suburban serial killer

-Running over her son’s high school math teacher

-Impales her daughter’s boyfriend with a fireplace poker in a mall bathroom

-Stabs her neighbour with sewing scissors and crushes the husband with an air conditioner

-Beats a customer at her son’s video store with a leg of lamb

-Drops a stage light on her son’s friend and torches him (pictured)

-After being declared innocent in a trial, Kathleen murders one of the jury members with a payphone receiver for “wearing white shoes after labour day”

CINDERELLA

a classic bitch

When Cinderella was made for tv in 2000 (the absolute best version, watch it if you can) Kathleen Turner had

made a film career of wicked women and was a natural choice for Claudette, the wicked stepmother of poor Cinderella.

The film follows the classic tale in a modern setting with Turner perfectly playing the matriarch of the home, belittling

Cinderella and the slaves and spoiling her wretched daughters.

 

 

 

Yes, Kathleen Turner is a bitch, and that is why we love her.  With a look or a whisper from her husky voice, she can reduce someone to nothing.  She was also repeatedly voted one of the sexiest women alive (and sexiest cartoon woman alive, having been the uncredited voice of Jessica Rabbit).  Everyone knows she’s a bitch, and no one cares!  Kathleen is a modern femme fatale and truly, one of the greatest bitches on film.

The Pigeon Movie Database

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When I was doing some research for my review of “Hard Target” I came across a website called “The Pigeon Movie Database.”  I was able to scoop that nicely framed picture of Van Damme and the pigeon from their page.

If you’re interested in knowing not only what movies have pigeons in them, but the different breeds of pigeon and which directors/characters are the pigeons favourites…then this website is for you!! (And John Woo)

 

 

 

 

http://pigeonmoviedb.blogspot.ca/

Hard Target-A review

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Hard Target is a 1993 John Woo film starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Prince Imhotep, That guy from Aliens/X-files and poor man’s Brooke Shields.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The premise of the movie is that the two obvious bad guys pictured above run a very exclusive type of hunting business; charging half a million dollars for bored businessmen to hunt ex-military hobos. Lance Henriksen (X-files) is head of the business and Arnold Vosloo (Imhotep) is in charge of all the killing.  The film takes place in New Orleans which is good because there is some attempt to provide a back story for Van Damme’s soupey-thick Belgian accent, but it’s also bad because the oppressive, humid heat makes Jean-Claude’s already shiny mullet a greasy pile of ramen noodles.

“A college kid just tried to eat my hair!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard Target opens with a hobo running for his life, interspersed with close-ups of a spinning arrow. I feel the need to describe these spinning arrow close-ups; have you ever seen speed racer?  The static car with the background speeding by?

like this, only with an arrow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there were a TON of these spinning arrow close ups, I think the hobo was killed by 6 arrows and you see 37 spinning arrow shots.  Fake Brooke Shields shows up as a plot device to move the movie forward, starring as our poor pincushion hobo’s long lost daughter.  She waltzes into town the DAY AFTER dear old Dad bites the dust.  After some standard poking around a run down boarding house, she leaves  and tries to get into her car.  A bunch of rough-and-tumbles show up and start the obligatory crude speech and hair stroking (this is to tell us, the audience, that this woman is sexy and desirable and worth the salary she was paid to star in the movie ).  The bums up the ante by snatching her purse and slapping mdm. eyebrows across the face, knocking her into her car.  This was a slap to end all slaps; the thug slapped her from 4 feet away and she still felt it somehow!  It must have been the slow motion.  I have to pause here before we get to the obvious entrance of Van Damme and just say that this film had the most gratuitous use of slow motion I have ever seen.  There is a scene in this movie where Van Damme strikes a match to light a cigar and that’s in slow motion.

Anyways, where were we, oh right, damsel in distress, thugs, enter Chance.  Yes, Van Damme’s character is named Chance.

“Why are you wearing a trench coat? It’s 102 degrees!”

“Why are you wearing those eyebrows? You’re not Brooke Shields.”

“Touche.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The thugs pull a knife,  so Chance draws back his trenchcoat  like he’s going to whip his manhood out  successfully distracting everyone long enough for Van Damme to boot them all in the head.

Our female lead then goes to file a  report at the world’s most understaffed police station. Apparently John Woo had no extras budget, so the only “cop” you ever see in the film is a black woman that I thought was a secretary.  We’re introduced to this lady detective as she lights her own birthday candle on a bundt cake (at her desk) and says “happy birthday to me, I guess”, just as Princess Eyebrows walks in. Then the black lady desk clerk/police officer puts the cake with the candle still lit into her drawer and shuts it.  The spinning arrow closeups had been one indicator that this film would be great, but putting a lit birthday cake in a desk drawer?  John Woo, you blow my mind.  We are treated to a scene showing the cop opening the drawer back up in a cloud of smoke to retrieve the cake, candle still flaming

Cut to the docks where John Woo blew his extras money on 300 homeless slobs standing around waiting for work.  The camera fixes on 2 forklifts loaded with barrels as they draw back revealing Chance in slow motion.  This slow motion shot is also pointless, we’ve already seen Chance standing there overheating in his trenchcoat, this isn’t his grand entrance. Someone needs to explain to Woo that slow motion is for roundhouse kicks, chicks undressing and people eating really big burgers, not dudes looking for work.

Of course whats-her-eyebrows tracks him down and hires him to help her find her Pa.  Chance gives her a guided tour of hobo-town and a fellow hobo gives them both a tour of dead hobo’s shopping cart, where the daughter is shocked to find a wad of nudey posters.  Chance and fellow hobo explain that New Orlean’s homeless men deliver the posters for money (It’s New Orleans, boobs everywhere!)

Apparently in 1993, hobos are respectful of each other’s shopping carts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course the rotund, sweaty, greasy man hiring people to deliver the posters is only a front, he’s REALLY looking for ex-military men for the hunting business (I guess every veteren from Nam washed up in New Orleans?).  The movie progresses as expected, the murdered hobo corpse shows up as kindling in an abandoned building fire, Chance figures out what’s going on, the female cop is about as good as being a cop as she is at having birthdays…

I suck at investigating, being discreet, driving AND shooting

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cop dies, time to grab a motorcycle and make sure Chance makes the finale on time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chance drops boobs off at his Uncle’s, New Orleans Santa Claus …

 

 

 

 

 

 

And he’s off to the final showdown…in a parade float warehouse full of pigeons that can only fly in slow motion.  Not only is the finale packed full of birds, but there is some point made to show that Chance can TALK to the birds…because John Woo has a massive hard-on for birds.  I bet if John Woo had seen those photos of the octopus here eating that seagull he would have come over here and punched that octopus, in slow motion.  Speaking of punching completely retarded things, I skipped over the part where Van Damme punches a snake in the head and then rips off the rattler, with his teeth. Was that in slow motion?  NO, which was probably for the best or this movie would have taken ALL the Oscars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we reach the warehouse, head bad boss has charged $750,000 each to a group of men wanting to hunt the white meat and set them on the trail of Chance.  Chance lies in wait with his secret weapon…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…well, not very secret, since he is tweeting like a bird when the bad guys enter, allowing them to easily find him. Van Damme enters the scene by lowering himself down on a giant, you guessed it, bird float.  Chance dispatches the thugs and hunters with bullets and boots to the face (which is more lethal?  We may never know)  Boobs and Santa Claus show up to make themselves easy targets (And Santa has a quiver of arrows too, what is with Woo and arrows?  Is it because they have feathers and fly…LIKE BIRDS?) Santa is stabbed, boobs is emotional and that leaves us with the ultimate showdown.

Grrrrrrrr

 

 

 

 

 

Van Damme puts a grenade down the crotch of this guy’s pants. He doesn’t throw the grenade at the guy’s crotch, he grabs the dude’s pants, pulls them open and drops the grenade in.  I couldn’t find a GIF of that moment. (Boobs also kills a guy by emptying a clip into his balls)

And Santa?  Not dead after all, his flask stopped the arrow, alcoholism saves the day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t cover everything, some things, like the Bad Guy playing an entire piano concerto while watching himself in a mirror, or the horse riding escape Van Damme himself insisted on being included, I glossed over, since I know you will want to watch the film yourself…which you can do here in 10 minutes thanks to some guy on youtube!

This was John Woo’s first American film, so how did he do? It’s hard for me to say, Kurt Russell was supposed to play the lead and that makes me very biased.  Kurt Russell is much better at the america speak than Van Damme, but Kurt can’t kick people like Van Damme…although I would have coughed up the ticket price to see Kurt punch a snake in the head and bite off it’s tail.

“This is first film in America, how am I doing?”

“Well, you’re doing ok, but have you considered more slow motion?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 poutines out of 5