Jonah Hex


Jonah Hex is a 2010 film based on the DC comic of the same name.  It follows a cursed civil war era cowboy/soldier/bounty hunter? (I’m a girl, I don’t pay too much attention to this sort of thing) who kills the wrong guy, therefore making another guy very mad. Mad guy burns cowboy’s family in front of him, brands the poor guy’s face and leaves him for dead.  Magic indians bring the cowboy back from the brink of hell and now he can  talk to the dead.  So basically this film is civil war era Hellboy.











Josh Brolin plays the deformed bounty hunter…





John Malkovich plays the bad guy (oh God he creeps me out so bad)…





Malkovich’s right hand man is Micheal Fassbender, who apparently wanted to look like a violin.  Some research reveals that this character is entirely invented for the film (nooo really?)








And of course, in a western you need a feisty prostitute, played by feisty prostitute, Megan Fox.






Besides the fact I’ve seen better acting from roadkill, it’s also hard to watch Megan Fox because she wears a corset throughout the film.  Of course, lots of actresses have worn corsets for period films, nothing new about that, but most actresses don’t look like they had all their ribs and internal organs removed for the role.









To give you an apt comparison, here is Kiera Knightley, who weighs as much as a rice krispie square, in a similar corset in her newest film.

who HAS ribs…










Keep in mind the camera adds 10 lbs, or in Megan Fox’s case, a whole person, so those on set photos looks obese compared to the actual movie.  Since the rest of the movie was pretty “Wild Wild West” without Will Smith to break up the monotony, I spent most of the time staring at Megan Fox’s waist and thinking of a Mud Dauber







Besides mutated female leads, the movie falls completely flat.  It does everything right but  fails at every turn, Brolin seems to be playing a parody of a gristled old cowboy cliche, Malkovich phones it in (I think they just used footage from ConAir and CGIed a hat on him) Fassbender-violin neck has way too little screen time and we already talked about Megan-Botox-Jones.  Jonah Hex’s resurrection powers are well done and interesting, but underused.

Really, how could a movie tank when it has a hard rock group called Mastodon doing the score?

Gerald Butler with a satan beard??








I really only reviewed this film to make fun of Megan Fox, which I figure is as good a reason as any.

2 poutines out of 5


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