Bitches on Film-Kathleen Turner

Standard

I didn’t designate a character for Ms. Turner because she is the QUEEN of all film bitches.  You’d have a harder time finding a movie where she was NOT a bitch. I handpicked a few samplings to demonstrate the awe inspiring bitchy point I am making.

BODY HEAT

a bitch who’s good at blowjobs, the worst kind…

In 1981’s Body Heat, Kathleen Turner plays Matty Walker who…

-Has an affair

-Seduces a lawyer into murdering her husband (and smashing through pane glass to bang her)

-Takes off with the money after her husband is dead

-tries to blow up the lawyer (with a bomb, not her mouth)

-Murders the woman who’s identity she stole.

-Leaves the lawyer to take the fall while she lives out the rest of her days on the beach

THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS

a bitch who promises but never delivers, AAAGGHH

In the 1983 Steve Martin comedy The Man with two brains Turner is Dolores Benedict who…

-is a gold digger

-caused the heart attack of her first husband

-refuses to consummate her new marriage to Steve Martin

-Is giving it to the mexican gardener (and just about anyone else with a pulse)

-Puts Steve Martin’s beloved jarred brain (Anne) in the oven, cooking her nines.

-is a slutty bitch right up until Merv Griffin murders her.

THE WAR OF THE ROSES

The bitch you marry…

In 1989, Kathleen starred as a wife who is no longer in love with her husband, Micheal Douglas.  I only saw this movie once because it is incredibly hard to watch.  When Barbara Rose (Kathleen Turner) is done with her marriage, she is DONE.  I couldn’t possibly name everything Turner does, but some of the vengeance included…

-Throwing her husband out of the house when he refuses to give her all assets

-When he insists on staying, she attempts to seduce his lawyer to get him on her side

-publicly humiliating Mr. Rose every chance she gets

-smashing and destroying most of their expensive posessions

-Ramming his vehicle with a MONSTER TRUCK

-Trapping her husband in his sauna, nearly killing him

-Bruising her husband’s kidneys by crushing him between her thighs

-serving him pate and telling him (falsely) that it is made from his dog.

-rigging the chandelier to fall on her husband

-as her dying husband reaches out to her in a final gesture, she slaps his hand away.  Hell hath no fury…

SERIAL MOM

just a plain ole’ bitch

By 1994’s Serial Mom Kathleen Turner isn’t even pretending anymore.  Throwing out the seduction ploys and murder for hire schemes, Turner plays a full bore suburban serial killer

-Running over her son’s high school math teacher

-Impales her daughter’s boyfriend with a fireplace poker in a mall bathroom

-Stabs her neighbour with sewing scissors and crushes the husband with an air conditioner

-Beats a customer at her son’s video store with a leg of lamb

-Drops a stage light on her son’s friend and torches him (pictured)

-After being declared innocent in a trial, Kathleen murders one of the jury members with a payphone receiver for “wearing white shoes after labour day”

CINDERELLA

a classic bitch

When Cinderella was made for tv in 2000 (the absolute best version, watch it if you can) Kathleen Turner had

made a film career of wicked women and was a natural choice for Claudette, the wicked stepmother of poor Cinderella.

The film follows the classic tale in a modern setting with Turner perfectly playing the matriarch of the home, belittling

Cinderella and the slaves and spoiling her wretched daughters.

 

 

 

Yes, Kathleen Turner is a bitch, and that is why we love her.  With a look or a whisper from her husky voice, she can reduce someone to nothing.  She was also repeatedly voted one of the sexiest women alive (and sexiest cartoon woman alive, having been the uncredited voice of Jessica Rabbit).  Everyone knows she’s a bitch, and no one cares!  Kathleen is a modern femme fatale and truly, one of the greatest bitches on film.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s