Lana Del Rey

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Elizabeth Woolridge Grant aka Lana Del Rey is a self-described singer songwriter a year younger than me.  The video above was commisioned by H&M for their new commercial.  As you can see the collagen injections make it a little hard to sing/enunciate/have facial expressions. Lana had the unfortunate luck to be a musical guest on saturday night live and not be talented.  Fans of Del Rey took the internet to cry and say that Lana was extremely nervous and it was a one off.  I decided to investigate and looked up some music videos and I have to say, voice mixing technology is way more advanced than I had even realized.

Which brings me to my point; today I purchased Lana Dey Rey’s “Born to Die”.  Lana’s music is the musical equivalent of an instagram photo; everyone is smeared with sepia tones, lounging in the back of ’57 Chevys at abandoned gas stations on route 66.  The women in Lana’s world are jaded valley of the dolls-esque girls drinking schnapps and smoking like chimneys.

“I’m sorry, I can’t see you through the sepia, I’ll just assume you’re a Sharon Tate cliche”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Del Rey fancies herself the love child of Mamma Cass and Nico and truthfully she would probably have made an excellent hood ornament in an Andy Warhol film, she has the look.

Both are lucious lipped working models with no discernible human emotions?  I’m sure it’s just a coincidence...

 

 

 

 

 

Born to Die is a 14 track album with song titles like “Diet Mountain Dew”, “This is what makes us girls” and of course “Lolita”.  As a sampling of Lana’s wistful and soulful lyrics, here is what Del Rey tells us “makes us girls”

-partying all night

-pabst blue ribbon

-“stealin’ police guys with the senior guys” (???)

-running mascara

-bambi eyes

-skipping school

-drinking on the job with the  boss

-cherry schnapps

-table dancing

-breaking into the hotel pool

-screaming “get us while we’re hot, we don’t give a whaaat” (????)

Now is it just me, or do you feel your youth was wasted?  I never wore a beehive and broke into hotel swimming pools!  I’m sure if I was drinking on the job with my boss, it wasn’t in 70’s thick fake lashes, so I fail I FAIL AS A GIRL BECAUSE I HATE CHERRY SCHNAPPS.  But we can disregard the lyrics because we’re enchanted by Lana’s voice.  I have some experience with vocal instruction and the number one thing you learn in singing is to sing “up high” which means you sing in your sinuses, and the number one thing you DO NOT do is sing in your throat, which is considered lazy and damages your voice.  Lana Del Rey sings from her gallbladder, which in no way helps her range of 2 notes.  You would think with the knowledge that you have no range you would write your songs accordingly but Del Rey tries to include all these vocal tricks and ends up sounding flatter than a tire over a spike strip.  The album sounds like someone moaning with their mouth open, and you know what else? You can actually hear her lips.

I can hear you now “Holly, why the heck did you buy the album??” Lana’s voice needs the utmost in sound mixing technology and I may not get that quality with a download.  Also I love it.  I love Lana Del Rey, I had to point out all the obvious crap that people say about her and acknowledge it, but I really adore her.  I love Lana because I want to be her.  Lana Del Rey is just an alternate personality  of Elizabeth Woolridge Grant, Elizabeth and I both want to be her.  Neither of us are very vocally talented, but we want to be soulful sirens like Adele.  Unlike Lana, I don’t work as a model on the side, but she has the looks to play dressup and wear vintage clothes and FAB hair and lush makeup, I think she has more music videos than she does songs because she’s a picture of pretend, something to look at.  When I listen to her music I hear what she wants to sound like and I nod my head and shout ME TOO LANA, ME TOO!! LETS BE NANCY SINATRA TOGETHER!  And so Elizabeth gets to live the dream, as she sings in her aptly named “Lucky ones” could we be the lucky ones?  Yeeeeeeees, we are Lana, we ARE the lucky ones!

Look at her music video for “Blue Jeans”.  It’s like Chris Isaak”s Wicked Game had sex with a Swedish art film and I want that!

As someone pointed out in the comments for her “Born to Die” video “Lana spelled backwards is anal” and who doesn’t love that?  There’s no downside!  At the very least you can watch her videos with the sound off like my husband does…Lana has something for everyone.

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